In the game magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit into the rest of the pages. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”. We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes – thus our Back Page features. Today, Kate thinks we should re-do the whole horoscope system, Nintendo-style.
The world of Pokémon gets increasingly more complex and fleshed-out with every single release, with detailed lore, traditions, and ominous descriptions in the Pokédex that imply child murder and apocalypses. But one thing that’s always remained the same ever since its introduction is the Pokémon taxonomy system, or the “form” factor.
In Pokémon Diamond and Pearl, a new way of filtering Pokémon in the Pokédex search was introduced, which allowed you to find Pokémon based on their shape. Fourteen shapes were made available, ranging from “blob” and “blob with arms” to “human-shaped” and “dinosaur???”
In the years since Diamond and Pearl came out, those shapes have remained more or less the same, being updated only to add more detail to the icons that are displayed in the Pokédex. There are still fourteen Pokéshapes in total, and although each one has no official name, it’s fairly obvious what they represent — and, more importantly, I love them more than I love my star sign (which is just a stupid scorpion).
Come with us as we explore the secret world of Pokéshape icons, and figure out which one you are.
Orbs are simple, and pragmatic, yet also a little unpredictable. Since they have no legs, arms, tails, or musculoskeletal system, it’s hard to know just what’s going on inside an orb. They are at once a very surface-level being — what you see is what you get — and somehow, also extremely unknowable. This makes them a little untrustworthy as partners, because they’re always up to something, but they’re great to have around at parties.
The leggy is a happy-go-lucky lil guy who’s always up for adventures, as long as they don’t involve opening doors. Those born under the Leggy shape are charming, easy-going people, and although some might call you “basic”, they’re just jealous of how likeable you are. You’re not controversial enough for anyone to hate, but you’re also not exactly exciting enough for anyone to count as their favourite. Sometimes, being middle of the pack is perfectly okay.
Of all the Pokéshapes, “Fish” is perhaps the least creative, but it’s also the most logical — and that’s what Fish shape people are like, too. Some people have called you “cold” in the past, maybe, but you prefer to think of yourself as an intellectual, unburdened by hot-blooded tempers and emotions. That’s not to say that you’re unfriendly, but you tend to bond with people over hobbies and shared interests, rather than a sense of intense intimacy.
Childlike and childish are not the same, and this is a hill you will die on, because the former is joyful innocence, and the latter is annoying. You consider yourself “childlike” because you can see the simple beauty in the world, whether that’s the taste of bubblegum ice cream, or spending an afternoon on the swings because the weather is really nice. You’re laid back, outgoing, and excitable, and you have, like, SO many legs. Good for you!
Ah, you already know the drill here, don’t you? You’re loyal, protective, and friendly — but your friendship has to really be earned. Once someone proves themselves to be a true pal, that’s it: they’re your friend FOREVER. Dogg-shape people are generally of two dispositions: calm and thoughtful, or hyper and bubbly. Professorial types and Pixie types alike can be Dogg people, and actually make quite good pairings. As a category that includes Pikachu, Eevee, a few legendaries, and a lot of starters, Doggs are often the “protagonists” of any situation.
The Two-Wingy is misunderstood by many, and loved by few. At first glance, many Two-Wingy folks might seem intimidating, scary, or even downright evil, but that’s probably just their RBF (Resting B***h Face). In reality, Two-Wingies are just as fiercely protective as a Dogg — but much more likely to bite. They’re also the type that often looks effortlessly cool in pretty much any outfit, partly because of the sheer confidence that oozes out of their pores. I am afraid of, and impressed by, Two-Wingies.
The Four-Wingy might seem similar to the Two-Wingy — and they do make a really good couple — but where the Two-Wingy is a Tall Goth Girl With Three-Inch Platform Shoes, the Four-Wingy is her petite girlfriend dressed in pastels and frills. They share similar dispositions, but the Four-Wingy is better at hiding it, and is muuuuch more terrifying when the claws come out. They may look like sweetness and light, but they could kill you with a look if you get on their bad side.
Everyone knows at least one Multiblob: that person who has fifteen plates spinning at any given time, and never seems to drop any of them. They started their own business, they are on the board of three different companies, they do marathons for fun, and they somehow managed to raise two healthy children alongside all that. The Multiblob is terrifyingly competent and organised, but they never make you feel bad about being a total mess of a human. In fact, they’d love to help tidy your kitchen some time, if you’ll help them with the IKEA trip…
You’re a rare breed. Literally. There are only 23 Pokémon in existence that are categorised as “Pokémon with tentacles or a multiped body”, and you’re one of them, buddy. Cool-headed — perhaps to a fault — you can always be trusted to keep a level head under pressure. Probably because you’re a squid or an octopus and you live at the bottom of the sea. You’re smart, but not boastful; you enjoy fine wines, but aren’t pretentious about it. You are what the hipsters think they are.
Weebles wobble, as the saying goes — but they don’t fall down. That’s what sets you apart from other people: when the going gets tough, the tough get going, or something like that. You get knocked down, but you get up again. They’re never gonna keep you down. You’re stable, strong, and sturdy, like a really well-built wedding cake. However, your stability can also lead to you missing out on social cues or subtleties, like a Wobbuffet (who is basically your mascot. Sorry).
People make a lot of assumptions about you, based on your appearance. They say things like, “oh, hey, that’s a Geodude” and “you are a Geodude”, but no one ever really looks closely at you. You’re not a Geodude. You’re a Creb. Those aren’t necessarily fists — they could be claws. Or hands full of wildflower seeds, ready to be planted. People think they know you, but they don’t. You’re so misunderstood. It’s ok, buddy. We know who you are. You’re Creb.
Look at him. LOOK AT HIM. He’s beauty, he’s grace, he’s a little dinosaur. If you’re a Brendan, you’re the kind of friend who takes care of people. You make them tea when they come over to visit, and you always make sure there’s a lovely biscuit to go along with it. You probably made the biscuit yourself, in fact! Whenever someone’s having trouble, they’ll almost always come to you — which is lovely, but don’t let yourself get weighed down under the burdens of others, okay?
Did you know that Snek used to be similar to Bugchild? In the past, multiple caterpillars and larval Pokémon were classified as Snek-shape, but they’ve since grown into their own distinct categories. And you, my friend, are the human embodiment of change. Like a snake, you’re always ready to shed the old and move on to the new, unafraid of the unknown, excited about new opportunities. You’re brave, but potentially a little too willing to forget the past.
I really have to commend you for how hard you try, friend. You’ve got everything that everyone else has: legs, arms, an upright spine, a head — but, somehow, you just don’t quite feel like you fit in. There’s something different about you, no matter how much you mould yourself into what you think other people want. But listen — you don’t have to be like other people to be liked. Take, for example, Jigglypuff — one of the Pokémon in this shape category. Jiggly doesn’t try to fit in. He goes his own way, and everyone loves him for it. Don’t be afraid to be your round, pink, vaguely humanoid self!
So, there you have it. You’re no longer a Gemini or an Aries — you’re a Brendan, a Snek, or an Orb. They’re much more fun than boring old horoscopes, and way cuter.
Tell us about your Pokéshape in the comments!
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